This is going to be a little therapy moment, so feel free to move along. I’m writing because I need to do something and this is pretty much all I can do right now.
I’m not the depressive type. I usually get angry a lot easier than I get sad, but once in a while it happens, like I’m sure it does to everyone. I start to feel vulnerable and any little thing can set me off. This has been happening for the last week and i’ve been fighting it the best I can with my usual attitude of placing one foot in front of the other and just doing the job in front of you.
It worked, more or less, until today. Today i found myself in an empty house, trying to clean, with a baby that wouldn’t stop crying unless I was holding her. I had to climb up and down a bench to clean the kitchen cupboards with her strapped to my chest, had to hold her head up while I wiped the floor and eventually found myself having to breastfeed in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet because there was nowhere else to sit, apart from the floor, and I started to cry as hard as she did. It was quite a pathetic moment and I kept telling myself to get over it but it just didn’t work.
I’m stubborn, so I kept going, cleaning and periodically bursting into tears for no aparent reason, until 2 PM when I finally gave up. I was tired, hungry and empty.
I came home and kept trying to shake this feeling off with no luck. It’s not so much feeling sorry for myself as it is a need not to be – here, anywhere. I’m not suicidal, so it feels like there’s no way out. I suppose I’m just tired, but there it is. I would never be so selfish as to kill myself, no matter how I feel. It doesn’t matter how I feel. My life isn’t my own any more and I do what I have to for my kids. But it’s not easy to convince yourself that it’s enough to be nothing more than a food source for the moment.
I’m trying hard not to cry in front of the children, to keep playing, to pretend everything is normal. When it gets too much I go hide somewhere for a while until I can stitch myself back together for another hour or so. I guess I just have to keep trying. There’s nothing else I can do.