I’ve been feeling like my life is meaningless and that I failed. I know I had potential to do several things and I failed to do them. But I felt like it was a gradual process with no specific landmarks and I was wrong. The landmarks are there, the times where everything changed.
I think we always want to believe that we make our own decisions, and we do, but we are also influenced by people or situations. We’re influenced by our parents, the ones who give us, at an early age, the confidence to success or the insecurities to fail, the people we meet later on who help us to conquer our insecurities and try any way or the ones who discourage us even further. And we can’t even blame any of these people. They never made us do anything. We are to blame for choosing to listen to them, or not to listen as may be the case.
So I woke up at six in the morning thinking about all this and about the times my life changed. The fact that being born a girl came as a great disappointment to my father and that nothing I did was ever good enough while my brother basically walked on water. The time I realised I was in love with this nice quiet boy I went to school with and that became my husband and best friend. The time I listened to Cornflake Girl for the first time and the fact that Tori Amos inspired me to take piano lessons and want to learn how to sing and write songs of my own even knowing I’d never be any god at it. The piano teacher I had and the fact that, had he continued to be my teacher, I would probably still be taking piano lessons. The audition I went to and how happy I was when I got the letter saying I was in. The second audition I cancelled because my parents had neither the time nor inclination to take me and my boyfriend didn’t like driving to places he didn’t know and the fact that this event marked the end of any attempts at doing something music-related outside my own living room. The first job interview I went to after college that led me to become a teacher for several years. The day my child died. All the big and little things that somehow made me make choices, right and wrong ones, that have brought me here, to this place and time where I am completely lost and feel that the whole thing is pointless and life is mainly a waste of time unless you have enough confidence to know what you’re doing at all times and the drive to do it.
I’ve spent my life wanting to be someone else; I’ve spent my life feeling like I was trapped in someone else’s body. I wasn’t supposed to have been born in this country, to parents who were never able to get me. I was supposed to do something more somehow. I was supposed to have a baby about to become one year old.
Life has a way of kicking you down and if you’re not strong enough that’s where you’ll be for the rest of it, in the gutter with the rats, and you may be looking at the stars but you’re thinking ‘that should be me up there’. And yet it never even crosses your mind to get up, dust yourself off and go to it. You’re too beaten by then to feel like you can do anything at all.