It was 4 years ago today that the 39 week old baby I was carrying died.
4 years later I have another child but it still hurts. I’m not as angry or depressed, except very occasionally, but the event changed the way I look at my life and the way I look at my child. I can never escape the feeling that at any time something may go wrong again, that it’s too easy to lose everything. This feeling is with me always and has made me more protective than I would have been otherwise. It may be a good thing at times but mostly it just makes me anxious and over-protective and a worse mother than I probably could be.
What I wonder most is what that child would have looked like, how like or unlike his brother he would have been and what personality he would develop. These things I will never know.
For the last three years I have refused to celebrate my birthday because it falls on the day after I lost my child and it has too many painful memories. This year, however, I’m trying to move on beyond coincidences and unhappiness. There’s nothing I can do about the past and if I haven’t killed myself yet I may as well make the best of whatever life I have left. This kind of loss hurts every day of the year so it doesn’t really matter what day it was when it happened.